Parental Tantrums

It was pouring heavily when I turned off the car engine at my son’s preschool parking lot. I was barely thinking as I somehow managed to get the bulky stroller out of the trunk, got the two squirmy kids in the stroller, and grabbed an umbrella. That umbrella didn’t do much for me that morning. I was soaked. As I was rushing to get to the preschool entrance as so many other moms and dads were doing, I saw a curious sight. A mom stopped under a tree with her two daughters and they were catching dew drops with their tongues. The girls were giggling as their mom wore a huge smile. “It’s time to go in,” she gently reminded her girls. Then, they rushed towards the door like us normal beings. That same day, as I went to pick up my son, another kind of sight awaited me at the preschool. There was a boy with a big scowl on his face seated on the floor at the entrance way. His mom had her hands on her hips. She looked frustrated as she said, “Why does everything have to be a struggle with you?” I managed to maneuver myself and my kids out of the way.

Most days I oscillate between these two extremes… being the fairy mom and having a parental tantrum. On picture perfect days, I feel attuned to my children’s needs. We laugh a lot. We learn a lot. We get creative and imagine fun adventures together. Sometimes, we have a simple meal of grilled cheese and there’s non-stop singing to boot. I’m smiling as I write this. It really is wonderful to be able to enjoy being with your children. During off days, you can usually tell before it happens. You don’t get enough sleep the night before. Stress at work spills over. Diaper changes seem unending. And the worst of it, you snap at every little thing your kids do. Sometimes, you just have one of those outbursts of temper that you never knew you had in you. Poor kids!

If only we could be sunny and cool parents all the time. How great would that be?! But a friend of mine, Nora, suggested a different side of parental tantrums. She said that it’s an opportunity for your children to see that you can say sorry and make amends. It’s an opportunity for them to see you struggle to keep your cool. Sometimes you win in the struggle and sometimes you don’t but the important thing is that they see the struggle. Of course we try to prevent parental tantrums when we can. We exercise to relieve stress. We have our date nights with our spouses. We try to get enough rest. We count to ten or give ourselves a time out when we feel an outburst coming. But, when the ugly head of parental tantrums do come along, isn’t it wonderful that as Christians we can ask our children to forgive us?

Do your child/ren hear you say sorry after you get upset?

If parental tantrums occur too often, have you tried to find the main cause and address it?

The Last Piece

As parents, we always want to give our children the best life has to offer. Just last night for dinner, we gave the chicken drumsticks to Theo, our 3 year old son, and the chicken breasts to Lian, our 2 year old daughter. These are their favorite parts. My husband – God bless his heart – always waits to see and finish what the rest of us don’t like to eat. But, what happens when the last piece of fruit is left? To which child do you give it to? This is a common dilemma in our home because our kids go crazy over fruit. And, of course both kids start yelling, “Mine!” at the same time. The beauty of the last piece is that it gives an opportunity for our kids to share. No matter how small the piece is we slice it into two and give one to each child. Once in a while we get a nice surprise when one of them says they want to give the whole last piece to the other.

The lesson of the last piece is also repeated when our children play. It’s a hard lesson to learn for children their age when they want what they want NOW and not later. The iPad is a hot commodity in our home. My friend, Gina, and I were talking about how great it is as a learning tool as well as a babysitter during those days when mom has just run out of creative juices. It gets terrible though when the kids start fighting over who gets to use it or what app to play. It’s so tempting to just get another one especially when like Gina you get deep discounts through her work. But, this is the time to remember the lesson of the last piece. It’s an opportunity for the children to share, to wait their turn, and to understand the consequences of not sharing. Gina and I confiscate the iPad when it’s not shared. There’s a lot of wailing and stomping of feet but in the end the kids learn to take turns and peace returns… at least, for a little while.

James Stenson mentions emphatically, how you raise your child will determine whether they become insatiable consumers or productive contributors to society. Sometimes giving the best to our children means not to give.

What opportunities can you create for your child/children so that they can practice sharing or taking turns?

Do they see you practice temperance as well?

It Takes a Village

I keep thinking about what my dad shared with me during their latest visit to us. He was teasing that in the good old days a baby was breast fed by the nursing mom and nursing aunts… sort of like a round robin during mealtime. Yikes! Sounds like a family comedy gone wild in my opinion. But, I can appreciate the metaphor. A friend of mine had this saying at the end of her dissertation presentation. It takes a village to raise a child. It looks like the saying is said to be either African or Native American in origin and has been popularized by Hilary Clinton as well.

My understanding is that the first village a child grows up in is his own family. Growing up I had the privilege of having my grandparents live with us. I can still remember the stories my grandpa used to tell us kids. That’s probably where I learned to love strange tales. As for my grandma, I still remember how she used to wear her hair. I remember her jewelry box which was like a treasure chest for me. Their values definitely passed on to us through osmosis and a couple of times through direct instruction whenever my siblings and I were a little bit more than naughty.

Nowadays, like many families, we live far from extended family. But we have made a village of our own with other families similar to us. Some of us, moms, even meet up once a month to share parenting tips with one another. In one of our get-togethers, we talked about how important it is that husband and wife were consistent with the values we share with our kids. Our conversation extended to how important it is for our kids to be surrounded by other adults who shared the same values. I’m definitely proud of the little village we are creating for our kids.  

There’s another village which we don’t often think about it. In our Catholic faith, we believe in the Communion of Saints. Here is our spiritual family - the saints, the souls of the faithful departed, and our brothers and sisters in the faith. Our children should know about this family as well. They can learn from the good example of the lives of the saints. Maybe they can celebrate the feast day of the saint they are named after. Also, when we teach our children to pray for our loved ones who have gone before us, we are teaching them to respect their memory and to practice a special kind of charity. Lastly, we teach our children to love others because they are God’s children first and foremost.

Does your child/children have other adults (role models) in their lives who share the same values you have?

Is the Communion of Saints something you treasure in your family?