Parental Tantrums

It was pouring heavily when I turned off the car engine at my son’s preschool parking lot. I was barely thinking as I somehow managed to get the bulky stroller out of the trunk, got the two squirmy kids in the stroller, and grabbed an umbrella. That umbrella didn’t do much for me that morning. I was soaked. As I was rushing to get to the preschool entrance as so many other moms and dads were doing, I saw a curious sight. A mom stopped under a tree with her two daughters and they were catching dew drops with their tongues. The girls were giggling as their mom wore a huge smile. “It’s time to go in,” she gently reminded her girls. Then, they rushed towards the door like us normal beings. That same day, as I went to pick up my son, another kind of sight awaited me at the preschool. There was a boy with a big scowl on his face seated on the floor at the entrance way. His mom had her hands on her hips. She looked frustrated as she said, “Why does everything have to be a struggle with you?” I managed to maneuver myself and my kids out of the way.

Most days I oscillate between these two extremes… being the fairy mom and having a parental tantrum. On picture perfect days, I feel attuned to my children’s needs. We laugh a lot. We learn a lot. We get creative and imagine fun adventures together. Sometimes, we have a simple meal of grilled cheese and there’s non-stop singing to boot. I’m smiling as I write this. It really is wonderful to be able to enjoy being with your children. During off days, you can usually tell before it happens. You don’t get enough sleep the night before. Stress at work spills over. Diaper changes seem unending. And the worst of it, you snap at every little thing your kids do. Sometimes, you just have one of those outbursts of temper that you never knew you had in you. Poor kids!

If only we could be sunny and cool parents all the time. How great would that be?! But a friend of mine, Nora, suggested a different side of parental tantrums. She said that it’s an opportunity for your children to see that you can say sorry and make amends. It’s an opportunity for them to see you struggle to keep your cool. Sometimes you win in the struggle and sometimes you don’t but the important thing is that they see the struggle. Of course we try to prevent parental tantrums when we can. We exercise to relieve stress. We have our date nights with our spouses. We try to get enough rest. We count to ten or give ourselves a time out when we feel an outburst coming. But, when the ugly head of parental tantrums do come along, isn’t it wonderful that as Christians we can ask our children to forgive us?

Do your child/ren hear you say sorry after you get upset?

If parental tantrums occur too often, have you tried to find the main cause and address it?

The Last Piece

As parents, we always want to give our children the best life has to offer. Just last night for dinner, we gave the chicken drumsticks to Theo, our 3 year old son, and the chicken breasts to Lian, our 2 year old daughter. These are their favorite parts. My husband – God bless his heart – always waits to see and finish what the rest of us don’t like to eat. But, what happens when the last piece of fruit is left? To which child do you give it to? This is a common dilemma in our home because our kids go crazy over fruit. And, of course both kids start yelling, “Mine!” at the same time. The beauty of the last piece is that it gives an opportunity for our kids to share. No matter how small the piece is we slice it into two and give one to each child. Once in a while we get a nice surprise when one of them says they want to give the whole last piece to the other.

The lesson of the last piece is also repeated when our children play. It’s a hard lesson to learn for children their age when they want what they want NOW and not later. The iPad is a hot commodity in our home. My friend, Gina, and I were talking about how great it is as a learning tool as well as a babysitter during those days when mom has just run out of creative juices. It gets terrible though when the kids start fighting over who gets to use it or what app to play. It’s so tempting to just get another one especially when like Gina you get deep discounts through her work. But, this is the time to remember the lesson of the last piece. It’s an opportunity for the children to share, to wait their turn, and to understand the consequences of not sharing. Gina and I confiscate the iPad when it’s not shared. There’s a lot of wailing and stomping of feet but in the end the kids learn to take turns and peace returns… at least, for a little while.

James Stenson mentions emphatically, how you raise your child will determine whether they become insatiable consumers or productive contributors to society. Sometimes giving the best to our children means not to give.

What opportunities can you create for your child/children so that they can practice sharing or taking turns?

Do they see you practice temperance as well?

It Takes a Village

I keep thinking about what my dad shared with me during their latest visit to us. He was teasing that in the good old days a baby was breast fed by the nursing mom and nursing aunts… sort of like a round robin during mealtime. Yikes! Sounds like a family comedy gone wild in my opinion. But, I can appreciate the metaphor. A friend of mine had this saying at the end of her dissertation presentation. It takes a village to raise a child. It looks like the saying is said to be either African or Native American in origin and has been popularized by Hilary Clinton as well.

My understanding is that the first village a child grows up in is his own family. Growing up I had the privilege of having my grandparents live with us. I can still remember the stories my grandpa used to tell us kids. That’s probably where I learned to love strange tales. As for my grandma, I still remember how she used to wear her hair. I remember her jewelry box which was like a treasure chest for me. Their values definitely passed on to us through osmosis and a couple of times through direct instruction whenever my siblings and I were a little bit more than naughty.

Nowadays, like many families, we live far from extended family. But we have made a village of our own with other families similar to us. Some of us, moms, even meet up once a month to share parenting tips with one another. In one of our get-togethers, we talked about how important it is that husband and wife were consistent with the values we share with our kids. Our conversation extended to how important it is for our kids to be surrounded by other adults who shared the same values. I’m definitely proud of the little village we are creating for our kids.  

There’s another village which we don’t often think about it. In our Catholic faith, we believe in the Communion of Saints. Here is our spiritual family - the saints, the souls of the faithful departed, and our brothers and sisters in the faith. Our children should know about this family as well. They can learn from the good example of the lives of the saints. Maybe they can celebrate the feast day of the saint they are named after. Also, when we teach our children to pray for our loved ones who have gone before us, we are teaching them to respect their memory and to practice a special kind of charity. Lastly, we teach our children to love others because they are God’s children first and foremost.

Does your child/children have other adults (role models) in their lives who share the same values you have?

Is the Communion of Saints something you treasure in your family?

Graduating with Character

“Hon, I think Theo is a genius.” These were the words my husband greeted me with after I came home from a very late night with my girlfriends. Although I was very tired, I couldn’t help but smile. I answered, “I’m sure all parents think that about their kids.” Of course, like my husband, I am a 100% convinced that our son is a genius. Before he was 2 years old, he could sing the Alphabet song completely and in perfect tune. His preschool teacher at his 18 month old class was surprised to hear him spell W-A-T-E-R while they were washing his hands. The next week, he spelled S-O-A-P for her. Now that he is 3 years old, he has taught himself how to write. (I would love to take the credit, but I helped him along only for the first few times. My patience wavered after that.) He also reads books – and I mean, reads them on his own and to his sister. My husband and his family have taught him words and songs in Cantonese and Mandarin, which he fluently repeats and remembers. He sometimes repeats a phrase of a song, he has heard just once. He has memorized a whole pop song, makes up his own silly songs, adds and subtracts simple equations, draws creatively, builds imaginatively… and the list goes on. As you can tell, I am one proud Mama! I'm sure you, too, have stories, pictures, and even videos of how amazing your children are.

But I would like to let you in on a little secret. Do you know what I am most proud of about Theo? The boy has a lot of heart. At school, his teachers tell me that he is always the first in the scene when one of his classmates has fallen or is crying. Not as the instigator (well, okay maybe once or twice) but usually as first responder. One mom thanked me when Theo helped her daughter feel better after what she described as a rough morning for them. She said Theo just seemed to know that her daughter needed that extra boost. He always has a ready hug, handshake, and smile for just about anyone. One of my friends commented, “He really gives himself, don’t you think?” This was after he had given her a great big hug and asked how my friend was feeling that day. He takes great care of his little sister. Just this lunch time, he tried to help feed her when he noticed she wasn’t eating like her usual self. He seems to have a soft spot for our Lady and Papa Joseph. In a friend’s house, he actually noticed and commented that there wasn’t a picture/reminder of St. Joseph. My friend remedied that and, now, has an elegant St. Joseph statue above her mantle.  And though Theo has been a source of many a mischief, he has shown that he can be truly sorry and makes up for them ten times over.

When graduation day comes, eons from today, I have no doubts that my son will graduate with honors being the genius that he is. But even if he doesn't, what I am most interested in is that he graduates with character which is by far a greater feat. A helpful hint from a parenting expert, James Stenson: Children learn through word, example, and personal practice. It is up to us parents on how we relate to our kids, how we live our lives in front of their impressionable eyes, and how we provide ample opportunities for them to practice virtues. Just a quick example: Before Theo goes off to preschool, we remind him that he has to be the big brother and that he needs to share and take care of his friends. At home, he gets a lot of practice being the big brother to his sister, Lian. Oh, have I told you about our daughter. She's a genius, too...   

Does your child/ren know that good character matters to you? Do you praise others or your child/ren when you see a virtue practiced?

What opportunities have you created or can create for your child/ren so that they can practice virtues (i.e., Faith, Hope, Charity, Sound Judgment, Responsibility, Toughness, and Self-Control)?

All Natural

This is going to be an unpopular blog entry. You’ll be surprised that it’ll be unpopular since I’m going to advocate going all natural. Isn’t that quite the fad these days with farmer markets booming and organic product’s prices soaring? But, I insist, what I’m going to suggest is unpopular. I know this because when my husband and I decided to go all natural, it wasn’t very popular to me at the time. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always been an advocate of… dare I say it… Natural Family Planning (NFP), but what it truly meant didn’t really sink in until, well, until we needed to practice it.

The Theory: Natural family planning is Pro Life. My good friend, Therese, a newly wed at the time was having a difficult time explaining to her husband why she wanted to use NFP. The road block was that they couldn’t get over the idea that NFP was just like artificial contraception. Their thinking was that both delayed conception… and artificial contraceptives seemed more efficient and effective to boot. These were valid assumptions. NFP does allow a couple to space births if necessary. But, it also allows a couple to predict the best times to try to conceive. As for NFP’s efficiency and effectiveness, it’s supposed to be 99% effective when done correctly. And the plus side of NFP, it’s all natural – so no weird side effects. Some women have also caught health issues in the early stages because they could tell when their natural body cycles were off.

It’s definitely Pro Health that way. But, is NFP truly Pro Life when used to space births?

When it was my turn to be married, Therese’s doubts came back in full force. I knew I had to be fully convinced because from what I did know about NFP; it entails a good amount of self-knowledge and self-mastery. I had to dig deep to understand the Catholic teaching on NFP. The Church, like a good mother, leaves it up to couples to decide how many children they will be open to.  In other words, it’s really up to each couple’s generosity and true understanding of responsible parenthood. Contrary to popular belief, providing for the material welfare of children is not the only dimension of responsible parenthood. Couples also need to be mindful of natural law and open to God’s will.

In a word, the exercise of responsible parenthood requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their own duties toward God, themselves, their families and human society. (Humanae Vitae)

NFP is a morally right option for couples who after a lot of prayerful reflection find a grave reason to delay having children. The grave reason is usually medical but there could be other valid reasons. Talking it out with a good priest usually helps couples discern things.

In practice: NFP is Pro Life because it allows couples to space births while respecting natural law and preserving the dignity of the marital act. Let’s start a new fad that is beautiful in the eyes of God. Let’s give going all natural a chance, but first let’s consider these words from the Second Vatican Council:

Marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordained toward the procreation and education of children. Children are really the supreme gift of marriage and contribute in the highest degree to their parents' welfare.

Is God asking you to consider being open to life?

Could you set aside some time this week to check out how NFP is practiced?

Memorable Correction

My cheek stings. Tears are free flowing. I hear a knock on my door as I’m trying to stifle my sobs with my pillow. It’s my mom. I am in my teen years. I put a hand on my sore cheek and say I’m sorry. My mom’s eyes are tender and she hugs me… A few minutes ago, my mom slapped me for the first time. As corrections go, you can’t get more memorable than that – at least not for me. It was a misunderstanding. We were having a heated argument. She thought she heard me say a bad word towards her. I honestly didn’t. I’ve forgotten what the argument was about but I remember well the lesson my mom was teaching me. I can disagree with her but not disrespect her. As I said, it was a misunderstanding. But, I still learned my lesson.

James Stenson in his book, “Lifeline”, speaks about memorable correction. In three areas, he says parents must come down with full force and never leave the matter uncorrected. First, when your children disrespect you. Second, when your children disobey you. Third, when they deliberately lie to you. Stenson explains that if our children lose their respect for us, we won’t be able to effectively teach lessons of right and wrong. I would have to add, we wouldn’t be able to teach them anything at all. Of course, Stenson coats this idea of memorable correction with the premise that the parents themselves respect their children and their children’s rights as well (e.g., having clear rules and consequences laid out, believing your child is innocent until proven otherwise).

A few weeks ago, my children and I were having our nightly routine of cleaning up the toys. My son decided that he would not help. Keeping my cool, I told him that if he did not help then he would not be reading with his sister and me. He wouldn’t have the nighttime snack either. I gave him a few more chances to help out while there were still quite a few toys to put away. He gave me a flat out no. Call it mother’s intuition but I had a feeling he would try to help at the very last minute so that he could read and snack with us. And, just as I had thought, when the last 2 or 3 toys were left he decided he wanted to help. Of course, in justice to his sister I told him no. He had his chance. Immediately, he wailed the way only a 3 year old can wail. I knew then that he understood. To follow through with the consequence, my daughter and I read our usual bedtime stories. My son continued to cry loudly. In my mind, I was racking my brain to find a way that he can make up for what he did. I wanted him to learn that he made a mistake by not obeying mommy and helping his sister but I also wanted to show him that you can and should make amends. I was saved by his little sister. During snack time, my daughter went and shared her snack with him. This quieted him and gave him a chance to say sorry. I hugged him and told him that tomorrow he can try to do better for mommy and his sister.

The next night, I was busy washing the dishes when I heard my son singing happily, “Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share… clean up, clean up, everybody show you care.” 

If needed, what type of memorable correction could work for your child/ren?

If you have given a memorable correction, was it proportionate to the mistake done?

Do your child/ren have a clear picture of what is expected of them (including the consequences) at home and other social settings?

Dragons

I admit I’m a sci-fi junkie. My favorite TV show is Fringe. I have a thing for mermaids. And, I do like a healthy dose of wizardry and magic once in a while. So, when some friends told me that a movie entitled “There be Dragons” was coming out, I got all excited. It didn't really matter to me that this film was supposed to be inspired by true events. Hey, as long as there were going to be dragons, I was in.

Last weekend, I saw the story of Dragons – These dragons are far worse than the dragons in science fiction. When these dragons breathed fire they tear families and souls apart. They are the inner dragons that lie within each of us. Mine lay dormant until I became a parent. I don’t know what it is about raising a child. It’s like a whole new person emerges.  Parenting literally brings out the very best and, unfortunately, the very worst in me. There are days when I just have to count to a hundred to calm my nerves. But, seriously, I find solace in what the author, James Stenson mentions in his book “Upbringing”.

All God asks of parents, when they come before his judgment, is that they be able to say, “We tried our very best…” (Stenson, 1991, p. 24)

I am so attracted to science fiction – to the hero/heroine who battles and conquers. This war that I am waging is not mine alone. Thousands upon thousands of fathers and mothers are battling their inner dragons so that they can raise their children right. The real enemy in this fight is… neglect.

 How much quality time do you spend with your child/ren? Could you increase this valuable time?

What are your inner dragons? How are you dealing with them?

Consider watching "There be Dragons"  :-)