Graduating with Character

“Hon, I think Theo is a genius.” These were the words my husband greeted me with after I came home from a very late night with my girlfriends. Although I was very tired, I couldn’t help but smile. I answered, “I’m sure all parents think that about their kids.” Of course, like my husband, I am a 100% convinced that our son is a genius. Before he was 2 years old, he could sing the Alphabet song completely and in perfect tune. His preschool teacher at his 18 month old class was surprised to hear him spell W-A-T-E-R while they were washing his hands. The next week, he spelled S-O-A-P for her. Now that he is 3 years old, he has taught himself how to write. (I would love to take the credit, but I helped him along only for the first few times. My patience wavered after that.) He also reads books – and I mean, reads them on his own and to his sister. My husband and his family have taught him words and songs in Cantonese and Mandarin, which he fluently repeats and remembers. He sometimes repeats a phrase of a song, he has heard just once. He has memorized a whole pop song, makes up his own silly songs, adds and subtracts simple equations, draws creatively, builds imaginatively… and the list goes on. As you can tell, I am one proud Mama! I'm sure you, too, have stories, pictures, and even videos of how amazing your children are.

But I would like to let you in on a little secret. Do you know what I am most proud of about Theo? The boy has a lot of heart. At school, his teachers tell me that he is always the first in the scene when one of his classmates has fallen or is crying. Not as the instigator (well, okay maybe once or twice) but usually as first responder. One mom thanked me when Theo helped her daughter feel better after what she described as a rough morning for them. She said Theo just seemed to know that her daughter needed that extra boost. He always has a ready hug, handshake, and smile for just about anyone. One of my friends commented, “He really gives himself, don’t you think?” This was after he had given her a great big hug and asked how my friend was feeling that day. He takes great care of his little sister. Just this lunch time, he tried to help feed her when he noticed she wasn’t eating like her usual self. He seems to have a soft spot for our Lady and Papa Joseph. In a friend’s house, he actually noticed and commented that there wasn’t a picture/reminder of St. Joseph. My friend remedied that and, now, has an elegant St. Joseph statue above her mantle.  And though Theo has been a source of many a mischief, he has shown that he can be truly sorry and makes up for them ten times over.

When graduation day comes, eons from today, I have no doubts that my son will graduate with honors being the genius that he is. But even if he doesn't, what I am most interested in is that he graduates with character which is by far a greater feat. A helpful hint from a parenting expert, James Stenson: Children learn through word, example, and personal practice. It is up to us parents on how we relate to our kids, how we live our lives in front of their impressionable eyes, and how we provide ample opportunities for them to practice virtues. Just a quick example: Before Theo goes off to preschool, we remind him that he has to be the big brother and that he needs to share and take care of his friends. At home, he gets a lot of practice being the big brother to his sister, Lian. Oh, have I told you about our daughter. She's a genius, too...   

Does your child/ren know that good character matters to you? Do you praise others or your child/ren when you see a virtue practiced?

What opportunities have you created or can create for your child/ren so that they can practice virtues (i.e., Faith, Hope, Charity, Sound Judgment, Responsibility, Toughness, and Self-Control)?

All Natural

This is going to be an unpopular blog entry. You’ll be surprised that it’ll be unpopular since I’m going to advocate going all natural. Isn’t that quite the fad these days with farmer markets booming and organic product’s prices soaring? But, I insist, what I’m going to suggest is unpopular. I know this because when my husband and I decided to go all natural, it wasn’t very popular to me at the time. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always been an advocate of… dare I say it… Natural Family Planning (NFP), but what it truly meant didn’t really sink in until, well, until we needed to practice it.

The Theory: Natural family planning is Pro Life. My good friend, Therese, a newly wed at the time was having a difficult time explaining to her husband why she wanted to use NFP. The road block was that they couldn’t get over the idea that NFP was just like artificial contraception. Their thinking was that both delayed conception… and artificial contraceptives seemed more efficient and effective to boot. These were valid assumptions. NFP does allow a couple to space births if necessary. But, it also allows a couple to predict the best times to try to conceive. As for NFP’s efficiency and effectiveness, it’s supposed to be 99% effective when done correctly. And the plus side of NFP, it’s all natural – so no weird side effects. Some women have also caught health issues in the early stages because they could tell when their natural body cycles were off.

It’s definitely Pro Health that way. But, is NFP truly Pro Life when used to space births?

When it was my turn to be married, Therese’s doubts came back in full force. I knew I had to be fully convinced because from what I did know about NFP; it entails a good amount of self-knowledge and self-mastery. I had to dig deep to understand the Catholic teaching on NFP. The Church, like a good mother, leaves it up to couples to decide how many children they will be open to.  In other words, it’s really up to each couple’s generosity and true understanding of responsible parenthood. Contrary to popular belief, providing for the material welfare of children is not the only dimension of responsible parenthood. Couples also need to be mindful of natural law and open to God’s will.

In a word, the exercise of responsible parenthood requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their own duties toward God, themselves, their families and human society. (Humanae Vitae)

NFP is a morally right option for couples who after a lot of prayerful reflection find a grave reason to delay having children. The grave reason is usually medical but there could be other valid reasons. Talking it out with a good priest usually helps couples discern things.

In practice: NFP is Pro Life because it allows couples to space births while respecting natural law and preserving the dignity of the marital act. Let’s start a new fad that is beautiful in the eyes of God. Let’s give going all natural a chance, but first let’s consider these words from the Second Vatican Council:

Marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordained toward the procreation and education of children. Children are really the supreme gift of marriage and contribute in the highest degree to their parents' welfare.

Is God asking you to consider being open to life?

Could you set aside some time this week to check out how NFP is practiced?

Memorable Correction

My cheek stings. Tears are free flowing. I hear a knock on my door as I’m trying to stifle my sobs with my pillow. It’s my mom. I am in my teen years. I put a hand on my sore cheek and say I’m sorry. My mom’s eyes are tender and she hugs me… A few minutes ago, my mom slapped me for the first time. As corrections go, you can’t get more memorable than that – at least not for me. It was a misunderstanding. We were having a heated argument. She thought she heard me say a bad word towards her. I honestly didn’t. I’ve forgotten what the argument was about but I remember well the lesson my mom was teaching me. I can disagree with her but not disrespect her. As I said, it was a misunderstanding. But, I still learned my lesson.

James Stenson in his book, “Lifeline”, speaks about memorable correction. In three areas, he says parents must come down with full force and never leave the matter uncorrected. First, when your children disrespect you. Second, when your children disobey you. Third, when they deliberately lie to you. Stenson explains that if our children lose their respect for us, we won’t be able to effectively teach lessons of right and wrong. I would have to add, we wouldn’t be able to teach them anything at all. Of course, Stenson coats this idea of memorable correction with the premise that the parents themselves respect their children and their children’s rights as well (e.g., having clear rules and consequences laid out, believing your child is innocent until proven otherwise).

A few weeks ago, my children and I were having our nightly routine of cleaning up the toys. My son decided that he would not help. Keeping my cool, I told him that if he did not help then he would not be reading with his sister and me. He wouldn’t have the nighttime snack either. I gave him a few more chances to help out while there were still quite a few toys to put away. He gave me a flat out no. Call it mother’s intuition but I had a feeling he would try to help at the very last minute so that he could read and snack with us. And, just as I had thought, when the last 2 or 3 toys were left he decided he wanted to help. Of course, in justice to his sister I told him no. He had his chance. Immediately, he wailed the way only a 3 year old can wail. I knew then that he understood. To follow through with the consequence, my daughter and I read our usual bedtime stories. My son continued to cry loudly. In my mind, I was racking my brain to find a way that he can make up for what he did. I wanted him to learn that he made a mistake by not obeying mommy and helping his sister but I also wanted to show him that you can and should make amends. I was saved by his little sister. During snack time, my daughter went and shared her snack with him. This quieted him and gave him a chance to say sorry. I hugged him and told him that tomorrow he can try to do better for mommy and his sister.

The next night, I was busy washing the dishes when I heard my son singing happily, “Clean up, clean up, everybody do your share… clean up, clean up, everybody show you care.” 

If needed, what type of memorable correction could work for your child/ren?

If you have given a memorable correction, was it proportionate to the mistake done?

Do your child/ren have a clear picture of what is expected of them (including the consequences) at home and other social settings?

Dragons

I admit I’m a sci-fi junkie. My favorite TV show is Fringe. I have a thing for mermaids. And, I do like a healthy dose of wizardry and magic once in a while. So, when some friends told me that a movie entitled “There be Dragons” was coming out, I got all excited. It didn't really matter to me that this film was supposed to be inspired by true events. Hey, as long as there were going to be dragons, I was in.

Last weekend, I saw the story of Dragons – These dragons are far worse than the dragons in science fiction. When these dragons breathed fire they tear families and souls apart. They are the inner dragons that lie within each of us. Mine lay dormant until I became a parent. I don’t know what it is about raising a child. It’s like a whole new person emerges.  Parenting literally brings out the very best and, unfortunately, the very worst in me. There are days when I just have to count to a hundred to calm my nerves. But, seriously, I find solace in what the author, James Stenson mentions in his book “Upbringing”.

All God asks of parents, when they come before his judgment, is that they be able to say, “We tried our very best…” (Stenson, 1991, p. 24)

I am so attracted to science fiction – to the hero/heroine who battles and conquers. This war that I am waging is not mine alone. Thousands upon thousands of fathers and mothers are battling their inner dragons so that they can raise their children right. The real enemy in this fight is… neglect.

 How much quality time do you spend with your child/ren? Could you increase this valuable time?

What are your inner dragons? How are you dealing with them?

Consider watching "There be Dragons"  :-)

Called to be Mom

Yes, I guess you could say I was called to be a mom even before I was born. Though, at first I thought God had other plans for me. I was engaged but didn’t foresee a child in my future. So, my husband was very much surprised when he found out that we were going to have a baby boy. I, on the other hand, was simply in awe that God was asking me to be a mom. When I gave birth, it wasn't the most ideal of circumstances. I gave birth away from family. But it didn’t matter to me, a myriad of angels were singing when my son was born. I couldn’t for a moment take my eyes off of my little one. The joy I felt then, I still feel every time I look at him.

It’s true what they say that motherhood is a calling – a vocation. There is no way I could survive the everyday challenges of being a mom if it weren’t for the grace that God gives to every vocation. Once, I had the misfortune of losing my son in a crowd. And, to think, we were among relatives. I can’t begin to tell you how fervent a mother’s prayer can be for a lost child.  My heart overflowed when we finally found him. I’ve realized that motherhood is like that – joy and sorrow, co-existing. I saw and heard my son being admired one minute, then ridiculed the next. Whenever someone praised him, I would smile and think to myself, “If only you knew!” And, when he was mocked and crucified… I wanted to cradle him in my arms like I did many times before. My son always had a generous heart. He gave all he could give to this world. He even gave me. "Behold, your Mother!" (Jn 19:27)

For the month of May, what Marian devotion could you teach/do with your little ones?
Have you considered that being a parent is a calling – a true vocation?

Any given Sunday

“Easter bunny! Easter eggs! What does that have to do with the Resurrection? Shouldn’t it be the Easter hen then?” My friend, Michelle, was venting out. I chuckled but blushed to myself. Just yesterday, I had brought my kids to their very first Easter egg hunt. Our other friend, Nora, saved the Easter bunny from any more ridicule by explaining that it was a sign of fertility and that Easter eggs represented new life. As Nora and Michelle talked… my mind weaved in and out of the conversation, mostly drifting to the idea of Easter. When I was little, it meant a day in the beach with my family. Ah, the beach! As I grew older, the Easter vigil gradually took center stage. Now, it was my turn to create Easter memories for my children. I wondered to myself what those memories would be. Aha! I just remembered talking to my husband, Ian, about this a day or two ago. We wanted to follow what our friends Noel and Dette did with their older kids this Easter weekend. They volunteered some time making sandwiches for the homeless. It was for Ian and me a perfect example of what we want our kids to associate with Easter – a selfless act of giving. For now, though, we were pretty content that our kids were learning to share Easter eggs with each other.

Just then, Nora’s voice brought me back to the conversation. “We celebrate Easter every Sunday.” Hmmm, any given Sunday? John Paul, the Great, referred to this day as the Lord’s day in his apostolic letter Dies Domini. God asks us for Sunday – apparently since the Apostolic times, Sunday was the day to celebrate Christ’s resurrection. It never ceases to amaze me that when God asks, He always ends up giving to us. We receive Easter, the gift of new life through Christ, over and over again every Sunday.  All God asks is that we show up at Mass… well, that, and that we try to be truly present. As parents, we can create a recurring Easter memory with our children by bringing them to Mass every Sunday. I decided to rejoin the conversation about Easter eggs and bunnies. Nora, with a straight face, was intently trying to explain that the Easter bunny did not lay Easter eggs but rather carried a basket with Easter eggs. Huh?

What Easter memory would you like to create/ re-create for your children?
What is your usual Sunday like?