The Greenhouse

We were in our high school's newly built library. I remember thinking that it was massive and impressive. One of our teachers commented that we, kids, seemed to have it all. We were in Disneyland. At the time, I couldn't quite figure out what that meant. Disneyland? What with all the teenage worries of fitting in, passing exams, and winning against the Juniors? It sure didn't seem like a walk in an amusement park to me. Now, that I look back, I guess our teacher's comment makes a lot of sense. We were in a way quite sheltered from the outside world. We were given one of the best education in an atmosphere that was relatively safe and secure. We were in a very good Catholic school. Values and virtues were promoted to mold our young minds and our own creative ideas were encouraged and celebrated.
Alas, a friend of mine commented the other day, we don't live in a greenhouse. As adults, we know that the social values promoted today are mixed and muddled. Many of us are desensitized. Things that should bother our conscience no longer do. And as for our creative ideas, most are replaced with mirror images of what social media dictates. I read somewhere... We have to act the way we think, lest we end up thinking the way we act.
I suppose the beauty of becoming a parent is that it awakens our conscience again. We try to become sensitive to what is right and not right for the sake of our children. We do not fear the gray areas because we look into them, we discuss them with our spouse and with other well-formed and informed parents. Values and virtues should still exist in our own homes. Our children need to see our example. They may see us stumble but may they never fail to see us struggle. And, beyond that, we must influence the environment they are growing up in. There is always something we can do as parents, no matter how little. We cannot raise our children in a greenhouse, but we have to teach them to carry their own environment with them. St. Josemaria has this advice: 'There's no denying the influence of environment', you've told me. And I have to answer: Quite. That is why you have to be formed in such a way that you can carry your own environment about with you in a natural manner, and so give your own 'tone' to the society in which you live. And then, if you have acquired this spirit, I am sure you will tell me with the amazement of the disciples as they contemplated the first fruits of the miracles being worked by their hands in Christ's name: 'There's no denying our influence on environment!' (The Way, 376)

What are some ways that you can teach your children to say "no" when it counts? Or, when to say "yes" willingly if they are needed?

Considering the great impact of media, how do you help your children become discriminating consumers of entertainment?

Chores Galore!

My two year old daughter begs to have the broom whenever I bring it out. It’s a funny sight when I do give in to her request. She can hardly keep the broom upright and I have to keep her brother safe from the long broom handle that swoops down on all of us. It really is a lot of fun to do chores with the kids. Well, let me rephrase that. It’s fun when you are not at the end of your wits trying to find time to finish everything. I remember my husband telling me that he did the majority of the clean up one night when I was away because the kids would just not budge and help. Another time, he made cleaning up the toys a fun race for the kids. That worked wonders! Young as they are they already show some preference for which chores they like to do (sorting laundry is definitely one of those) and which ones they seem to dislike a lot (cleaning up especially when they still want to play). As they get older, I’ve heard many a mom say that they just seem to develop a dislike to any kind of chore. Hmmm, it’s funny how I don’t remember disliking chores when I was growing up. Ha! Got you!

Family life would not be complete without chores. Chores are a natural consequence of wanting a home that is clean and orderly. It usually falls on us, mothers, to make sure the chores are done. If we are efficient moms then we have a knack for scheduling and delegating chores. If we are creative moms then we can make the chores fun for all the family. If we are Christian moms then we know how to make our children understand the importance of chores. We help them realize that they are improving their character when they do their chores. They also help others, in this case the family. To add an even deeper dimension, we teach them to do their chores as well as they can so that they can offer it up as a little sacrifice to God. We can teach them to offer up their chore for Dad’s work or for their brother or sister to get well or for them to pass an upcoming exam. I know it can be difficult for us to ask them to pick up their toys for the Nth time and to explain to them that mom and dad are not picking on them. Later on, they will understand. When they have families of their own and the responsibility of chores now fall on their shoulders, they will try to look back and remember how mom and dad managed things. They will remember how to make their homes like Mary's home in Nazareth, bright and cheerful with chores and all.

Do your children have specific chores that they know they are responsible for and are appropriate to their age?

Do they see you doing chores with a smile (or at least with minimal complaints)?

The Art of Prayer

A few years back, I was a volunteer helping out with a group of children. I remember... he was kneeling down on one of the church pews. His hands were together in prayer. His eyes were closed. His head slightly bent forward. Around him, children his age about 6 or 7 years old were already restless. A few of the boys beside him were calling his name. They wanted him to play with them. He looked straight at me with tears in his eyes. He implored, “Please… they are disturbing me.”

My husband was tired. I was exasperated. The two little ones still had so much energy. Every night, it seems like their energy level increases while ours decreases. It was time for our family prayer and the kids would just not keep still, let alone pray. I tried to keep my cool as I have tried to do so many times before. Night time prayer! What a struggle!

In his heavy Spanish accent, Father Ed chuckled as he related to us his experience of preparing children for confession. He would ask each one, “Do you pray?” He was pleasantly surprised that each child said yes. He would follow up with the question, “When do you pray?” Each would reply, “All the time, Father.” Wonderful, he thought to himself. Then, for one of the children, he varied his question. “So, what do you pray?” The child replied innocently, “I play soccer, basketball…” 

That day my children wanted to fly their toy kite. Unfortunately, there was no wind that day. I suggested that they pray for wind. My three year old started to recite the prayer for meals, “Bless us Oh Lord…” Oh, bless his little heart!

My friend, a mother of five, brings her children including the little ones to daily Mass. One day after Mass, another mother struggling to make her own two kids behave approached her and asked, “How do you do it?”

Prayer can sometimes be a struggle for our children. And, even more of a struggle for us parents. But, all our little stories of trying, comic or otherwise help our children value prayer. Our goal is for praying to become as natural to them as playing.

Do your children have some time devoted to prayer everyday?

Do your children see you pray, too?

Unplugged

Technology, my dear friend…

Thanks for all you do! You keep the children entertained and they learn a lot, that's true. Some days I wouldn’t know what I would do without you. But as sweet as you have been, I’ve got to tip the scale my way. My kids need to learn more from me. They have to spend more time with us, our family, and friends. When I turn you off, don’t be upset. Truth is the kids miss you, too. The boredom monster peeks its head and if I let them, the kids would choose you 24/7. But the expert Stenson reminds me that I have to be jealous of you. For as they grow older and have more control of their entertainment, they might end up tuning me out instead of turning you down. So, today, we go unplugged… and I’ll spend the day with the kids. Precious time spent talking about our family traditions, sharing our silly stories, and outwitting each other in Monopoly. We might play in the backyard, go out for a walk, or spend the day at the beach. They’ll get to know me and I’ll get to know them. Don’t worry dear friend, you can still come. You can be the music in the background. You can take snapshots of our fun. It’s your turn to watch! 

As parent, do you control what your children are exposed to through technology?

Do you spend enough time getting to know your children and giving them a chance to know who mom and dad are and what you believe in?

Parental Tantrums

It was pouring heavily when I turned off the car engine at my son’s preschool parking lot. I was barely thinking as I somehow managed to get the bulky stroller out of the trunk, got the two squirmy kids in the stroller, and grabbed an umbrella. That umbrella didn’t do much for me that morning. I was soaked. As I was rushing to get to the preschool entrance as so many other moms and dads were doing, I saw a curious sight. A mom stopped under a tree with her two daughters and they were catching dew drops with their tongues. The girls were giggling as their mom wore a huge smile. “It’s time to go in,” she gently reminded her girls. Then, they rushed towards the door like us normal beings. That same day, as I went to pick up my son, another kind of sight awaited me at the preschool. There was a boy with a big scowl on his face seated on the floor at the entrance way. His mom had her hands on her hips. She looked frustrated as she said, “Why does everything have to be a struggle with you?” I managed to maneuver myself and my kids out of the way.

Most days I oscillate between these two extremes… being the fairy mom and having a parental tantrum. On picture perfect days, I feel attuned to my children’s needs. We laugh a lot. We learn a lot. We get creative and imagine fun adventures together. Sometimes, we have a simple meal of grilled cheese and there’s non-stop singing to boot. I’m smiling as I write this. It really is wonderful to be able to enjoy being with your children. During off days, you can usually tell before it happens. You don’t get enough sleep the night before. Stress at work spills over. Diaper changes seem unending. And the worst of it, you snap at every little thing your kids do. Sometimes, you just have one of those outbursts of temper that you never knew you had in you. Poor kids!

If only we could be sunny and cool parents all the time. How great would that be?! But a friend of mine, Nora, suggested a different side of parental tantrums. She said that it’s an opportunity for your children to see that you can say sorry and make amends. It’s an opportunity for them to see you struggle to keep your cool. Sometimes you win in the struggle and sometimes you don’t but the important thing is that they see the struggle. Of course we try to prevent parental tantrums when we can. We exercise to relieve stress. We have our date nights with our spouses. We try to get enough rest. We count to ten or give ourselves a time out when we feel an outburst coming. But, when the ugly head of parental tantrums do come along, isn’t it wonderful that as Christians we can ask our children to forgive us?

Do your child/ren hear you say sorry after you get upset?

If parental tantrums occur too often, have you tried to find the main cause and address it?

The Last Piece

As parents, we always want to give our children the best life has to offer. Just last night for dinner, we gave the chicken drumsticks to Theo, our 3 year old son, and the chicken breasts to Lian, our 2 year old daughter. These are their favorite parts. My husband – God bless his heart – always waits to see and finish what the rest of us don’t like to eat. But, what happens when the last piece of fruit is left? To which child do you give it to? This is a common dilemma in our home because our kids go crazy over fruit. And, of course both kids start yelling, “Mine!” at the same time. The beauty of the last piece is that it gives an opportunity for our kids to share. No matter how small the piece is we slice it into two and give one to each child. Once in a while we get a nice surprise when one of them says they want to give the whole last piece to the other.

The lesson of the last piece is also repeated when our children play. It’s a hard lesson to learn for children their age when they want what they want NOW and not later. The iPad is a hot commodity in our home. My friend, Gina, and I were talking about how great it is as a learning tool as well as a babysitter during those days when mom has just run out of creative juices. It gets terrible though when the kids start fighting over who gets to use it or what app to play. It’s so tempting to just get another one especially when like Gina you get deep discounts through her work. But, this is the time to remember the lesson of the last piece. It’s an opportunity for the children to share, to wait their turn, and to understand the consequences of not sharing. Gina and I confiscate the iPad when it’s not shared. There’s a lot of wailing and stomping of feet but in the end the kids learn to take turns and peace returns… at least, for a little while.

James Stenson mentions emphatically, how you raise your child will determine whether they become insatiable consumers or productive contributors to society. Sometimes giving the best to our children means not to give.

What opportunities can you create for your child/children so that they can practice sharing or taking turns?

Do they see you practice temperance as well?

It Takes a Village

I keep thinking about what my dad shared with me during their latest visit to us. He was teasing that in the good old days a baby was breast fed by the nursing mom and nursing aunts… sort of like a round robin during mealtime. Yikes! Sounds like a family comedy gone wild in my opinion. But, I can appreciate the metaphor. A friend of mine had this saying at the end of her dissertation presentation. It takes a village to raise a child. It looks like the saying is said to be either African or Native American in origin and has been popularized by Hilary Clinton as well.

My understanding is that the first village a child grows up in is his own family. Growing up I had the privilege of having my grandparents live with us. I can still remember the stories my grandpa used to tell us kids. That’s probably where I learned to love strange tales. As for my grandma, I still remember how she used to wear her hair. I remember her jewelry box which was like a treasure chest for me. Their values definitely passed on to us through osmosis and a couple of times through direct instruction whenever my siblings and I were a little bit more than naughty.

Nowadays, like many families, we live far from extended family. But we have made a village of our own with other families similar to us. Some of us, moms, even meet up once a month to share parenting tips with one another. In one of our get-togethers, we talked about how important it is that husband and wife were consistent with the values we share with our kids. Our conversation extended to how important it is for our kids to be surrounded by other adults who shared the same values. I’m definitely proud of the little village we are creating for our kids.  

There’s another village which we don’t often think about it. In our Catholic faith, we believe in the Communion of Saints. Here is our spiritual family - the saints, the souls of the faithful departed, and our brothers and sisters in the faith. Our children should know about this family as well. They can learn from the good example of the lives of the saints. Maybe they can celebrate the feast day of the saint they are named after. Also, when we teach our children to pray for our loved ones who have gone before us, we are teaching them to respect their memory and to practice a special kind of charity. Lastly, we teach our children to love others because they are God’s children first and foremost.

Does your child/children have other adults (role models) in their lives who share the same values you have?

Is the Communion of Saints something you treasure in your family?